Of all the topics I ever thought I’d have an interest in, this is one that had never ever occurred to me. In fact I was barely aware it existed till recently. Trichotillomania is a compulsive urge to pull out your own hair, from what I’ve read about the condition it is most closely related to OCD, though it is actually known as an impulse control disorder.
I have a history of depression and self harm, so am no stranger to self destructive urges, but somehow this seems so much worse. To be honest, my mind is so distorted by the self harm mindset that I have no reasoning behind this, I guess I’ve normalised the cutting. Ten years of a repeated action will do that. The scars on my body do not upset me the same way the rapidly expanding bald patch on top of my head does.
My hair was always my crowning glory, I love dressing it up, dying it, pampering it. And now I pull it out. I don’t know why I do it either, and most of the time I don’t even realise I am doing it. It just suddenly occurs to me that I have a handful of hair, and the patch is a little bigger.
I’m having to try and hide it, but as it’s at my parting, my hair naturally falls to reveal it. I dread someone pointing it out.
It’s scary to have so little control over what you are doing.